So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
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