saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
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