I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
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