Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
Randomize
