Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
Are we planning this because I am online looking for places with a Mechanical bull
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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