She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
The struggles of a small town man whore
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
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