I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
Randomize
