Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
Randomize
