You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
