Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
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