can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
Randomize
