Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
Randomize
