I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
We are brilliant. We call it the pint walk. Killing a pint of vodka while we walk from cleveland park to dupont. just making mama proud
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
