I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
you definitely made a grilled cheese using your iron..
ya and it worked didnt it??
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Randomize
