I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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