no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
two words: eviction party
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
Randomize
