Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
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