Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
