Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
I think your dad took our porno
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Randomize
