never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Green mimosas i think yes
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
