My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
OMFG, I'm seriously about to get fairly unpolite with this guy.
Wow. I bet he's shakin' in his boots.
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
