dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
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