How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Randomize
