My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
Do you think girls in gamma phi sit around and think about how much they suck?
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
Never let your siblings swipe right.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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