I accidentally had phone sex last night
I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
My girlfriend figured out who you are.
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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