I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Randomize
