u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
just tried to puke while my RA was trying to puke in the stall next to me.bonded for life
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
Randomize
