i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
Randomize
