She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
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