My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
Randomize