We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
Randomize
