It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
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