i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
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