Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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