Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
How external is "for external use only"?
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
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