It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
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