have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
Randomize
