News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
she said it was ok for her to take her top off in the hot tub but she didn't take off her bottoms because that would be slutty
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
Randomize
