dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
Randomize
