if you like me you must not know who I am
i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Randomize