my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
Just had flashback to me showering u with stir fry as u rythed on the floor
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
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