if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
UD be completely fine. you don't lose control just keep a positive environment. for example i really want to lick the wall cause red is delicious but i don't have to.
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
