does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Randomize
