benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
