She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
