i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
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