Jake was my 1st thought but I seriously thought u already did him... & then there's the getting the clap story... so I settled on Ben for my guess.
I have done Jake, not Ben. But this was fresh meat. And P.S. it was ghonnerea.
Ahh, yes. It's apparently too early in the morning to keep your partners and their std's straight.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Randomize
