My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I can't believe believe she called me a slut. She doesn't know anything about me or my life.
Shit, that's something a lot of sluts say.
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
Randomize
