That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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