If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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