So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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