That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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