Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
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