Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
