Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
Randomize
