I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
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