he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
Randomize
