guys are only as good as the porn they watch
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
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