i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
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