when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
so would me posting the photos of the cock and coin jar incident be completely out of the question?
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
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