Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
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