your thong is hanging out like whoa
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
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