You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
Randomize